the real world = the matrix

We've all heard it. "When you get to the 'real world' ...(fill in the blank)" I just heard this yesterday in church. I got to thinking, when is the real world? My conclusion: it must be part of the matrix. 

When you are in middle school, you definitely aren't in the 'real world' because grades technically don't matter. Come 9th grade, you are in the real world and you need to worry about grades for college. So that could be the real world. Right?

Wrong. All thru high school you hear, "Once you're in the real world, you can't do that." So high school isn't the real world. Relationships aren't real. You can break up and get back together 80 times a year. Nothing matters other than preparing for what's next. College, Tech School, the Real World? Most high school-ers would say that after you graduate from high school, you are in the real world. Could this be? 4 years of preparation, fine-tuning your social skills to get ready for post-graduation life? 

Wrong. You get to college and you still haven't escaped the real world matrix. Granted, life does get more "real" but I have heard time and time again, that graduating and going into the "real world" is scary for most college seniors. But college has to be the real world right? I mean, in high school, if you get caught cheating, you get a slap on the wrist. In college, cheating will land you on the expelled list, and maybe even criminal charges. So that means you are in the real world. Right?

Wrong. According to my commencement speaker, we entered the real world upon graduation. But I'm back in a grad program. Does that mean I am in the "real world" now? Or since I'm back in school I'm not there. When I get my masters do I finally make it out of the real world matrix into the actual real world? I guess only time will tell. I wish Keanu Reeves or Samuel Jackson was here. I think they would be able to help. 

ring in the new year

This is a goal setting help sheet my dad has taught us for years. Normally I only post for comedy, but regarding a new year and making ourselves better, I think that this formula is too good to not share. May your 2013 be excellent and full of greatness! 

Things that help with successful goal setting:

1.      Make your goals attainable.

2.      Write your goals down.

3.      Break your goals into steps.

4.      Read your goals every day.

5.      Do something every day toward achieving your goals!

You may have heard of SMART goals, but there’s a better formula called SMARTEST goals:

Specific—Be specific in what you want to achieve

Measurable—Be sure you can measure the successful achievement of your goals

Action-oriented—Ask how you are going to reach your goal and create a list of steps

Realistic—Set goals that are realistic, but also make you stretch

Timed—Add a start and a finish date for your overall goal with target dates for interim steps

Evaluate—Review your progress regularly and recognize how far you have come

Seek the Spirit—Ask the Lord for help in setting and achieving your goals

Think about your Goals—Don’t just write them down and forget them.  Begin with the end in mind

“For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.”  Proverbs 23:7

Enjoy the new year! I'll be back on track and posting again soon! 

technology: changing our future

Everyone has a smart phone. If you don't have a smart phone, you want one. If you have a smart phone, you can't live without it. They have forever changed the way we live and our interactions with everything. Verizon wireless has brought this truth to light. I'm here to analyze these commercials.

This is "Jane." That weird old lady with 27 cats. Except she isn't that weird, or old. And later on you will see she isn't ugly either. 

Minute 0:01 - apparently there is a magazine for cat lovers to read about all things cats on a monthly basis. 

Minute 0:02 - I guess at some point, even after owning a cat sweater and resigning yourself to the life of a "cat lady" you can still become disgusted with your cat fetish and throw your cat magazine away in disgust. Don't give up Jessica Lamereoux and Brittany Ringham, there's still hope!

Minute 0:05 - someone with no knowledge of football or social skills will randomly download the NFL mobile app and become a packers fan

Minute 0:08-0:16 - watching games on a tiny 4.3 inch screen at a hair salon, the hardware store, and a bus makes you more of a fan than going to games or setting apart time to watch the games on a big screen TV. 

Side Note: since when do men go to the salon and get their hair done the same way as women? And of those men, how many of them are avid football fans that will strike up a conversation with a random stranger at such a salon? 

Minute 0:21 - After becoming slightly knowledgeable of relatively easily-research-facts about a single player on the Packers, you will have tons of friends, a whole new wardrobe, your glasses will be gone (along with all of your cat sweaters), you will be reasonably pretty and you will be at a party with Drew Brees on his only Sunday off during the football season. And you won't be paying attention to him, you will still be watching the Packers on a 4.3 inch screen instead of going inside where I'm sure Drew Brees has been watching the game. Oh and "No one will know the game better than you." Research, going to ESPN.com or any other sports site is a waste of time. NFL mobile is all you will ever need.

Another Note: You are focused on a tiny screen instead of meeting one of them most prolific passers of all-time in NFL history and a great human being off the field. Oh, and you will have 3 guys around you also watching on the same 4.3 inch screen you are looking at instead of the 65 inch LED plasma inside the house. 

So there you have it, smart phones have and will forever change our lives. Pro athletes, big screen TV's, and cat sweaters will all fall by the wayside in comparison with that sweet smart phone and your NFL mobile app. Personally, I'm excited about that future.

don't hate, celebrate

I'm sitting in the "kilpacondo" right now and the discussion came up that Thanksgiving get's the shaft when is comes to holidays. Which in some respects is true. However, Thanksgiving gets more attention now than it ever has. Just take a look at Facebook, twitter, instagram etc. #nothingbutthankfulnovember. Thanksgiving gets tons of props. Football games are excellent that day. It's a time that everyone makes sure they get home for the family.

The point of this post isn't that Thanksgiving isn't getting overlooked, the reason I am posting this is because Christmas, as it should, gets MOST of the attention during November. Too often people hate on the early recognition of Christmas. Especially putting up lights early and Christmas music on the radio. This absolutely should happen. Christmas is the greatest time of year. Kids look forward to Christmas all year. They wish everyday was Christmas. Adults become less selfish and think of ways to show their love to loved ones. Christmas season brings thoughts of charity, an increase in kindness, bonuses at work, a break from school, snowsports, snowmen, ugly sweaters, awesome decorations, Christmas parties, timeless movies, easy-to-plan-dates, and unbelievable sales on EVERYTHING.

To me, these things sound pretty great. I'm perfectly ok with the best season of the year being extended an extra month. 25 days isn't enough to enjoy all of it's awesome-ness. So for all the haters of Christmas music in November, and the lights at temple square up well before December, here is a solution: relax. Enjoy the spirit that this awesome season brings. And if you don't want to enjoy this greatness? that's ok too.

heck of a season

Wedding season is over. For a few months. Then winter weddings begin. Since graduating from college up until summer 2012, I had been to exactly zero weddings. LA, Mexico, Virginia Beach, and Arizona had something to do with that. However, this summer, I went to a bunch of weddings. Each with varying degrees of awesome-ness. But I've learned some things in these weddings.

One thing that was common in each wedding was this: The wedding hasn't ever, and won't ever, be for the groom in any way. It's all about the bride. At the latest wedding I was at, I made this analogy: The groom is like the king in chess. He is absolutely essential to the game. Without him, you can't play the game. But he doesn't do a whole lot when the game is actually played. There are a lot of moving pieces and he just mostlty sits back and tries not to the get in the way. If he's called on? Sure, he will move, but in a good game, he shouldn't have to move. The real piece to pay attention to is the queen. She has the best moves, everyone loves her, and all other pieces move as the queen sees fit to make her best moves. Pretty indicative of life eh?

Here are some other things I learned from wedding season:

1. Meatballs always taste better at a wedding

2. Friends can show you an awesome side of themselves you or anyone else has never ever seen before

3. Groomsmen get some sweet ties

 Enjoy the offseason everyone!

breaking rules

Many rules are made to be broken. Black and brown fashion, running red lights, running at the pool, closing your eyes during heads up seven up, running with scissors, this list goes on. But there are some rules you should never break. Because there are severe consequences. Stopping on a railroad track, robbing a bank, telling a girl she looks fat...ever, etc.

There is one rule that has some mixed consequences. The caution tape rule. If you've ever seen a police TV drama, if there is caution tape, no one pays attention it. You can have as much "police line: do not enter tape"  as you want, but the 10 year old kid next door, the old man down the street, and anyone who has any sort of relationship to the area being taped off, WILL cross that line. It's in the movies duh, and everything in the movies is true.

I learned this past week that when the University of Utah puts out this caution tape, they mean business. Not because the taped off areas are overly dangerous, just that they put a spell on the area that makes people become morons. I was walking by some steps that had the caution tape around them, and I proceeded to watch 2 people simultaneously fall down the steps. It was scary, then when I could ensure they were ok, I laughed my head off.

Later that day I went into the bathroom, and a stall was taped off. Let's get one thing straight, if I see caution on a bathroom, I immediately know to stay away. Most likely its going to be a war-zone comparable to Afghanistan in there. One person was much braver than I. Well he made a huge mistake. As I saw him on the floor and heard moaning, I knew exactly what to do. Take a picture. Check. Next? I took a peak inside and fortunately his pants were still up. The toilet was broken off the wall and I could only conclude that it was before he took a seat. When I asked him if he was ok, he just laid there and said his pride was hurt. I finished my business and went on my way. But I thought we could do a Tosh.0-esque "picture breakdown"

First, notice the tape, clearly visible, but it might be somehow hard to read because it wasn't horizontal.

Next, take a look at the open stall next to it. Sure it might be smaller, but hey, if I'm choosing between a potentially dangerous stall and a safe one, the safe on wins every time. Maybe that's just me.

Finally, look at the power bar. That is for handicapped people to support them onto the toilet. When he was falling, didn't he see that? My first instinct when falling is to grab something. Maybe he decided his backpack would be a safer bet. Either way, it made for a great picture and ended my day at the U with a smile. And for that, we thank you.

added security

It's October. Haunted houses, watching movies that freak you out, pumpkin everything. Just a few things about this season. I personally really like Halloween  I also do NOT like being scared. Why do I like Halloween? I really don't know, it might due to an awesome childhood where a slow Halloween meant only filling one pillow case up with candy. Maybe it it because of the awesome costumes I had, or being able to stay out later just because there were parties and such happening. Yea, those are definitely the reasons. Not for the scare factor.

Being a grown man, I now have to pretend things don't scare me. Around friends, family or girls, I am simply too old to be scared anymore. I'm glad that wasn't the case when I was 14 and watched 'the ring' then slept at the foot of my parents bed that night. (If you don't believe it, ask my mom.) Don't get me wrong, I watch the scary movies, I can separate real from fake, and usually now I don't get freaked out. I can go thru any haunted house, unless there is a chainsaw guy, in a calm, cool, collected manner. All bets are off when there is a chainsaw guy. I somehow transform into Usain Bolt when I hear the chainsaw coming. But that is neither here nor there.

Well because some people still get scared in movies, or replay "Darkness Falls" in your head when the power goes out in the house and you're all alone, here is a sure fire way to get thru the scary movie and prank season. One word:

Blanket. Blankets are the ultimate protector. When you were little and something scared you at night, what did you do? put your head under the blanket and tried to fall asleep. When does shiz go bad? When they get out of the blanket. But be careful, you have to be ALL the way under the blanket. You leave a leg out and BOOM! You're a goner. For whatever reason,  ghosts, demons of any kind, and especially the boogeyman, can't get you under a blanket. It might be Newtons 4th law. Or maybe his 5th. I can't remember. Either way, having a blanket with you always a safe bet. Just think how much happier movies like "The Ring" "The Exorcist" "Children of the Corn" or "The Grudge" would have been if the characters would have been like Linus from "Charlie Brown." If they always had a blanket, anytime something scary was about to happen, lay down, get ALL the way under the blanket, and keep quiet until the scary thing loses interest, or someone can come save the day. Perfect right? So tonight, if you get tricked into watching a movie that "isn't that scary" make sure you have a blanket on call, and you'll be fine. As for the rest of Halloween? Enjoy the pumpkin spice everything.