It might get a little serious

Hey everyone! I know I have been on a hiatus for about 3 months and I just want to say to my most devoted readers (all 3 of them) that I'm sorry I have been slacking. No promises things will get more consistent. Just enjoy them when they make it up here. 

Today's topic is something I have thought about a lot. For a long time. It's something that occupies a good amount of my thoughts, and I'm sure a lot of others thoughts. The topic? Girls. 

Gotcha. C'mon, seriousness isn't my style.

Now, before all the girl readers stop reading, this post may prove invaluable to you. So keep reading. 

Girls are SO awesome. I love them. I love looking at them. I love talking to them, dating them, cuddling with them, (see post) kissing them, etc. Girls are at least 50% of my motivation to do just about anything. 

Recently, I was talking with some buddies about girls, and one friend came up with the perfect classification to fits just about every type of girl you could imagine. I thought it was so good, I figured I needed to share with the world. 

First type- the "bring-home-to-mom" girls: everyone has different preferences with the ladies. Some like them tall, some like them short, others big, others little, smart/dumb, loud/quiet; but they all have a type they would happily take home to mom. These are the ladies you could see yourself spending more than 2 days a week with. Those that you know wouldn't say something uncomfortable to Grandma, but will still tell your brother he is a wuss. Ladies, this is what we eventually date/marry/wait-for-to-come-home-from-missions.

Second type- These are girls you would hot tub with. Now, obviously the first type you would also hot tub with, however, this group are those you would hot tub but NOT bring home to mom. These girls are crazy, in a good way. They will have fun, the guy is attracted to them, but they might be a little too wild to bring home to the family. Maybe the girl says stuff that makes you know it wouldn't work, but the girl is still physically attractive enough to want to enjoy a little eye candy/action in the hot tub. This is the natural type most men put girls in for the majority of their single lives. So ladies, if you feel like this is the zone you live in with most guys, no worries, we guys are...well, guys. 

Final Type- nothin to do with. This is a zone the girls don't want to be in. This usually means that you are so obnoxious, rude, dramatic, etc that there is no way a guy is dealing with you, at all. Your crappy qualities outweigh the good ones. Not a whole lot of explanation here. If you feel like this happens to you more often than not...change something.

So there you go. Guys, feel free to use this when describing girls to your friends, and Ladies, use this as a measuring stick. Who knows, that guy that you like might be in hot tub zone and all you have to do is show him you can totally hang with his family. You're welcome. 

"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."

Quote by the late comedian Henny Youngman.

I don't consider myself a golfer. Not like Drew Killpack or Taylor Schone. But as the weather has warmed up, I have been on the links a lot. Golf is a great, horrible, awesomely fun, crappy game. Point is, unless you are really consistently good, golf will be fun and sucky within the same 9 holes. Here is how to survive 9 holes of golf. (Or 18, or 36, or whatever you want.) So all of my readers that are professional golfers, this post doesn't really apply to you. (Sorry Tiger)

Hole 1- "Breakfast ball." First hole is a warm up. Your first tee shot might suck. Get over it. Here is what you do: take 2 balls to the first tee. Then when you duff the ball, you get another try.

Hole 2- Now you've got out the jitters, don't think about last hole, and just play. Remember the most important rule of amateur golf: you are not good at golf. If you double bogey the hole, you did a great job. Nice tee shot! And your approach shot was only 30 yards wide right!

Hole 3- You've just sliced your ball 2 fairways over. Don't worry, that double bogey on the last hole was pretty good! This was just a bad shot, you'll be fine. Now grab your 3 iron and cross your fingers you can find your ball!

Hole 4- Another bad tee shot. So that is 3 out of 4. This is where you need to eat that packet of welch's fruit snacks and remember that life is gooooooood. You are only experiencing first world problems. Breathe. Breathe. And we're back with a great (semi-lucky) second shot. See you on the green.

Hole 5- Nice tee shot. Only the second cut! You almost hit your first fairway of the day! And only a 2 put on the green? This is shaping into a great hole. Nice par.

Take a little break."When pros tell you to keep your head down, it's so you can't see them laughing." -Phyllis Diller

Hole 6- And we're back. Before the tee shot, remember that this hole is different than the last. No reason to think you will par again. And you didn't. This is your signature 8 stoke on a par 3. If you forgot to remember that this hole is different, and you are ready to break you putter after a 5 put. Don't. Golf clubs are no match for Mother Nature, her trees, ground, or rocks. Nature will always win. Don't bet against nature. Her track record is impeccable.

Hole 7- Now that you are missing your sand wedge (you gently placed it in the lake after it fell out of your hands into the nearest tree) you are back to normal temperament. Remember to keep your head still and just have fun with it. You are already shooting way over par, with no hope, or expectation that somehow your game will improve from last Saturday. The last time you hit a golf ball.

Hole 8- You've caught up to the outrageously slow group playing ahead of you. You might be tempted to tell them to hurry, but don't. Instead, you should have already watched every golf movie prior to this day and you will now quote all the funny parts of them with your buddies. Or you can always bash on the incumbent political figures and talk about how much better you could do than them. Golf games are great for that stuff.

Hole 9- You've made it to the last hole! Not so bad right? An easy, straight par 4 to finish the course? You've shared a few good laughs with your friends, lost about 9 balls, "lost" the scorecard, and now you are about to have lunch. All you have to do is make solid contact, get to the green, and 3-putt your way home.

Now that wasn't so bad was it? See you next Saturday fellas!

winning takes care of everything

Recently there was an ad that Nike made with Tiger Woods. The caption "Winning takes care of everything" Nike took lots of heat from online critics. There has been a ton of discussion about it. Some say "of course winning takes care of everything. Everyone loves a winner!" Others say no amount of success on the field can make up for shortcomings in your personal life. So which is true? Or are they both wrong? Should we care?

I'm here to give you the RIGHT answer. (as if I could give you a wrong answer.) Winning absolutely takes care of everything. Now before all of my readers start texting and emailing me, keep reading.

Winning takes care of everything, for one reason, US! How many athletes do we adore, but in their personal lives, they are crappy people? Anyone remember Kobe? Feels like it wasn't near as bad as Tiger, right? Wrong. He was still cheating on his wife, and cheating is cheating. But how quickly we forget. it was a mere 10 years ago. And now? Kobe is awesome. The "Black Mamba" has his own line of clothing, shoes, commercials,etc. And we, the sports fans, love it. I love everything about Kobe. His swagger, his lack of concern for the media; he is like the last old school player that trash-talks, wants to win more than anything else in the world, and has the skills to back it up. But do those things qualify for forgiveness? Nope. Not even a little bit.

Look at Tiger, he is a superstar once again. #1 in the world. Once hated by everyone for cheating on his supermodel wife, he is now dating Lindsey Vonn. An olympic athlete. She has forgiven him. Has he proved his fidelity in the short 4 years since the scandal? I guess so. Maybe not. But I'll bet his love and acceptance began when he started winning again? Why, because we the fans love a winner. No one cares about losers.

Here are some other winners that have been forgiven:

Ray Lewis - murder
Cam Newton - accepting money as an NCAA athlete
Mike Vick - dog fighting
Justin Gatlin - steroid use in olympics
Ben Roethlesbeger - rape
Rick Pitino - cheated on wife

So now the question is: is this ok? Is your reaction "I can't believe I let winning influence my feelings for athletes!"? How does this happen? It happens because these people aren't our friends, family, colleagues, etc. Our only attachment to them is their performance in their respective sports. We pay attention to them purely for our enjoyment. And I enjoy watching winners. So do you. Unless your a Jazz or Mariners fan. Oh wait...

not gonna lie...

How many times have you heard someone begin a sentence with "I'll be honest..." or "Truth be told..." or any number of prefixes that indicate that only the absolute truth will be delivered? I'll be honest, I'm guilty of it, (see what I did there) and you probably are too.

A friend and myself were talking about this a few weeks ago. It's actually pretty funny and makes no sense when people start their sentences with this. Why begin the sentence claiming you aren't going to lie? Shouldn't the expectation be that whatever comes out of your mouth is truthful? Are we to believe that unless you start your sentence with these phrases, you are lying? I hope not.

Maybe we should all just live in a world like Jim Carrey?

guilty by association

Michelle Obama is meeting with CEO's of business's to discuss business. Her education includes a sociology major (African american studies minor) and a law degree. When I read about her education, I feel like she would be great at consulting minorities about how to become militant activists in order to gain unfair advantages they don't really deserve over others. But has done nothing to earn the right to educate top business leaders on how to do their job. Just because she is the presidents wife, doesn't mean she is smart, or can teach business leaders about business. Heck, the president can't seem to get a clue on how to make business work. check this out.

Guilty by association is collective guilt. It is the controversial collectivist idea that a group of humans can bear guilt above and beyond the guilt of particular members, and hence an individual holds responsibility for what other members of his group have done, even if the person has not done this.


Translation? If you are around other people, you are likely to be lumped in with the dominant traits/actions of the group.

Using the logic that the first lady is using, I propose the following:

1. Soccer moms send husbands to teach the top chefs in the world how to make mac & cheese. 
2. Tom Brady and Wes Welker send their supermodel wives to the front office of any sports franchise and consult owners on how to run the team. They could probably coach a team too. 
3. Oscar Pistorius does world tour on how to prevent domestic violence. 
4. An undeclared freshmen teach classes to tenured professors how to encourage participation in classes. 
5. Metta World Peace gives a seminar to all major religious leaders on anger management and promoting peace. 

Sounds like a great idea? Right?

ain't nobody got time for that

Just in case you haven't seen this yet. You should.

Here's the original. Thank you sweet brown.

#alittlebitofadviceforallyouhashtagusersoutthere

Good luck reading that title. I'll bet you spent 5 minutes just trying to figure that out.

By now, most of you have an instagram, twitter, vine, or some other social media platform that use hashtags. However, each one of these is unique in the way that you are expected to use the hashtag.

Instagram - A fun and easy social media site. Apparently there is an unspoken rule that girls are to use a minimum of 3 hashtags per picture. And if its someones birthday, you are required to use no less than 10. Food, at least 5 are needed to get your point across that you are enjoying the food. But the point is, there is not a goal for creativity, originality, or awesomeness in a hashtag. As many as you need.

Twitter - this is the last great social media frontier. A friend of mine said "brevity is a sign of wit." Another friend said "twitter is cool." Both true statements. Twitter only allows 140 characters for expression. So you have to be brief. Meaning, your hashtags must be witty, funny, clever, or non-existent. Not using a hashtag is also a sign of intelligence in this hashtag-saturated world. Twitter? 2 hashtags MAX! There is no reason to go on and on with hashtags. Why? Because you can't. You don't have room; and because twitter is the place for the clever and the brief to express themselves. Moral of the story, one hashtag should be plenty. On a rare circumstance you can include a second, but only if both are epic.

Facebook - hashtags don't work. Stop putting them there.

Vine - don't have one. But from what I can tell, see instagram advice above.

Oh and one more thing, just like my title, hashtags that are too long are obnoxious. Try using CamelCase. #ThenPeopleCanUnderstandWhatYouHashtagIsActuallySaying