Thursday, September 13, 2012

nothing mini about it

Minivans. The car no teenager or college student wants to drive. Yet thousands of people of year are infected with the notion that the practicality of a minivan overrules how awful they are. Being a college student, I can see the fuel economy a van provides, I understand that they can carry a million people, but why on earth would you ever want to really drive one? A suburban is only a slight difference and makes you way less of a soccer mom. How are minivans still in existence? Any other SUV does the same thing without looking awful in the process?

There are many alternatives to driving a minivan. Any of them are good alternatives. Today I am here to convince and ensure that anyone who reads this blog will never succumb to the idea that minivans aren't sucky. Here are my reasons:

1. They look like a blind 3rd grader designed a rocket ship using a crayon, and I don't care what you say, the Honda Odyssey is NOT cool  looking. And no, racing stripes wouldn't help.
This looks terrible

2. Once you start driving them, you become a sucky driver. Ricky Bobby, Jeff Gordon, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. could get into a minivan and they would immediately forget how to drive the speed limit, signal before turning, and most likely get rear end someone in the first 30 seconds they started to drive.
This looks good

3. You will for  ever be tagged as "that soccer mom" or worse, "that soccer dad"

4. The van will automatically smell like diapers and be perpetually dirty

5. If you put in a TV guess what, still not cool.

6. Even if you have a wakesetter luxury boat, towing it with a minivan will make you look like a fool.

7. Sliding doors are dumb

So there you go, a few reasons to not own a minivan. Suburbans look so much better. 

1 comment:

  1. I am going to have to disagree on all accounts. Vans are vans man, accept them for what they are. This ain't the pinto. They do serve a purpose.

    1. I don't know a third grader who has a steady enough hand to draw design.

    2. Lie. Ricky Bobby could drive a nail gun with a spin top. And JUNIOR! Hell, he don't even need wheels.

    3. Stereotypes are for losers.

    4. Have you been a new van? Who's van have you been in? Maybe they have a cleaning problem.

    5. FALSE. TV's make any car cooler. Read a book.

    6. You are correct.

    7. No, no they are not. You really can't believe that.

    You can drive a BURB. That's cool. Us minivan lovers will just keep picking our kids up from soccer and dance recitals, while you pick yours up from detention and AAA.