Wednesday, November 27, 2013

turkey bowl survival

Thanksgiving is synonymous with thankfulness. For most red-blooded men, it also means football. Each year you should hold your annual "Turkey Bowl." If you aren't, you should start the tradition. A few years ago I read a post about family football rules. I decided to create my own list. Below are some general rules to help you maximize the greatness of the Turkey Bowl.

1. Get going early, or someone else is going to take your spot. Find a nice patch of grass and stay there. The Johnson's down the road will be showing up any minute.

2. Never play the game after dinner. Nobody wants to play football after Thanksgiving. Nobody wants to wear pants after Thanksgiving.

3. The following things are prohibited from Thanksgiving touch football: eye black, Mark Sanchez jerseys, tight jeans, cheerleaders. If you are at the field, you are on the team.

4. A Nerf ball is okay but you should own a leather football. A leather football is one of the things every home must have, like a dishwasher and a 49ers tribute wall. No footballs with wings, propellers, streamers or whistlers. That’s just dumb.

5. It's two-hand touch or flags. Unless you don’t have a good relationship with your family. Then it’s tackle.

6. No taunting, cursing or back-handed compliments. That's what Thanksgiving dinner is for.

7. Any out of town visitors that trip/fall and end up with a face full of mud is nothing to worry about. This is the highlight of dinner conversation.

8. It's okay to play with kids but don't baby them. Just because your 12-year-old nephew is about to score doesn’t mean you can’t tackle him. He’s got to learn how to take a hit sometime!

9. The count is five "Alligator." 4 syllables. Don’t use Mississippi. Or it will turn into a rushed "MISS-IPPI"

10. If you find yourself feeling the urge to do any Tebow-ing, Kaepernick-ing or Superman-ing, or any other “-ing” STOP. You don’t need it, and neither does anyone else.

11. No show-off football lingo. No screaming "red-7" or "hot route" You stopped playing in high school, and are a has-been. Don’t pretend you’re not. Not even the other team knows what you’re talking about.

12. There's always one guy who wants to draw out trick plays. Just let him talk, and then forget it immediately. Rule of thumb: Go Deep.

13. Don’t do the triple reverse running play. It never works.

14. No holding, pass interference or other stupid penalties. A little holding never hurt anyone. Don't be a wimp.

15. If you throw five interceptions in a row, you might be using the wrong hand, or you’ve been watching too many Giants football games.

16. Punting is not okay. It just isn’t. Pretend this is Madden.

17. Snow is nothing to be scared of. If anything, it enhances the fun. Again, don’t be a wimp.

18. No matter how good you think you are, you need to remember, Thanksgiving is about eating turkey, NOT scoring the winning touchdown. If you have to spend your Thanksgiving in the ER, you’re doing it wrong. Take it easy.


Tuesday, November 26, 2013

skipping thankgiving

"It's the most wonderful time, of the year..." can be hear playing November 1st at 12:01 am in your local Walmart. By the end of the first week in November, most stores have their Christmas merchandise out for sale. Some get started before Halloween. It's almost like we are skipping Thanksgiving all together.

Some people might say 'big deal, Thanksgiving is lame, and it's only one day of celebration anyway' which is technically correct. It's the one day a year that you get together with relatives you don't like and pretend to like them as long as you can tolerate. You might have a yearly tradition of getting in a shouting match with your siblings. But let it be known, Thanksgiving is the holiday most synonymous with family fueds. Maybe because everyone is hungry from starving themselves all day. Maybe because the men don't lift a finger and resign to the couch to watch the Dallas Cowboys lose to the Lions again. But I digress.

What if we just skipped Thanksgiving altogether to have more Christmas season? Think about it...more shopping deals, more time to listen to Mariah Carey, the only time of the year you probably ever listen to her (or Michael Buble.) Light's can be put up while it's still relatively warm outside and there won't be snow on the roof? Sounds pretty great right? Wrong.

We need thanksgiving, because if we stopped, doom would befall us. Think about it; does anyone have a best friend who is never grateful? Never takes time to say "thank you" to you? Nope, you don't. Those people spend their Friday nights trying to find something to do but end up at a bar by themselves. Extending the Christmas shopping would be financial ruin for some. Adding another 25ish days a year dedicated to Christmas shopping would impoverish everyone except Target, Old Navy, Best Buy and WalMart. Could you really stand listening to straight Christmas music for 2 whole months? Hearing every possible version of 'Jingle Bells' known to man and then some? I tried this last year. It sucks. Plus how weird would it be to go from dressing up like monsters and sluts, to singing about brotherhood and Christ. We need a transition period. We need a short Christmas season to keep is special. Cue, Thanksgiving.

But Thanksgiving is being forgotten. Overlooked. I think the only reason we are keeping it around is to maintain our gluttony for food. We're too fat to let go of our feast, even tho most don't even acknoledge gratitude prior to stuffing their faces. Here's a solution:

Let's make some traditions to lead up to Thanksgiving. Make it the "Thanksgiving Season." After everyone is over Halloween and all the #latergrams have gone up of your costumes, lets start dressing up. Have pilgrim and Indian parties. Get Justin Timberlake to sing a "Thanksgiving Album" featuring Jay-Z, Florida Georgia Line and other big names singing about gratitude (Miley Cyrus will be banned of course). October and November is pumpkin everything anyway, let's make a drink specific to the thanksgiving season. Thanksgiving-nog. Something to rival Eggnog. Charles Shultz already made a Thanksgiving movie, I'm sure we could talk Robert Downy Jr and Catherine Zeta-Jones into doing another Thanksgiving movie. Heck, for the right price, Will Ferrell would do a "prequel" to Elf!

Making a whole 'season' around Thanksgiving will make us more grateful, and make Christmas that much more special. The Christmas season will be so much more exciting. When Black Friday rolls around, we can forget what we're thankful for so we can go buy more shiz we don't need with money we don't have.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

playing games

Being a single adult who lives in Salt Lake, I don’t spend time often in Provo, but when I do, I almost always get stuck in a conversation circle where someone is talking about relationships and 99% of the time, the phrase “he/she likes to play games” is used.

What the hell does that even mean? I’ve never understood that saying. “Playing games.” Ever since Backstreet Boys came out with that song. Stupid backstreet boys! Why can't you be more like N*Sync?!

I like to play games! If it has a board, or some pieces or something to Jenga, I’m down. If it’s a sport game, I also will like it. But apparently these aren't the ‘games’ people are talking about. But when I ask, “what do you mean by games?” I always get this nebulous, indirect answer that doesn't really make sense. 

Maybe no one actually knows what games are. Maybe it's has something to do with the way you dress. Provo all-stars and backstreet boys have some eerily similar tastes in clothing. 

To me, from hearing this phrase from more than 100 people in my lifetime, this is the true definition of "playing games":

“well, I’m way more into them than they are into me. So they don’t reciprocate the same attention to me that I expect them to, and therefore, anything that doesn't demonstrate their absolute interest in me pisses me off and makes me tell everyone that they are jerks/sluts and they are always “playing games.”

Let’s find another way to express ourselves when we are let down by our crush not being as interested in us as we are in them. And Provo, can we talk about other stuff than your lack of relationship? Let’s talk about ANYTHING else. I’ll even talk about the WNBA. Get it together Provo.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Is that a compliment?

I live in a house with 3 awesome dudes. We have all gotten sucked into the awesomeness that is, "New Girl." Except for David, who has been in San Francisco all summer. 

New Girl is a show about 3 guys and Zooey Deschanel who live in a loft in California together and have some of the funniest story lines of TV. It really gained some steam in it's second season and we are all anxiously awaiting the start of the 3rd season this fall. (September 17th) If you haven't seen it, go watch the first season on Netflix. If you love funny TV shows; you won't regret it. 

As mentioned above, this show has gained a lot of traction in the mainstream pop culture. Many people I know have been comparing me to Schmidt. The loveable, but overly-confident ladies' man who is originally from Long Island, New York. So the question must be asked, why do I remind people of Schmidt? I decided that when people say I remind them of him, it's probably a compasult. Here's why:

Are people saying I'm a douche?

Or is it because I like to dress nice?

Or is it any one of these moments?

Whatever way I remind you of Schmidt, I'm going to accept it as a compliment. Because he's pretty funny, and he dated a model. 

100th post

Wow. 100 posts. And it only took me 3 years. Divide 100 by 36 months? that's about 3 posts a month. You're welcome for not blowing up your feed with new posts. And also, Andy, I'm sorry I haven't posted hardly anything in 2013.

For my 100th post I wanted to do something so epic. Something so awesome that it would get 100 views in 100 seconds from 100 different countries. But then I remembered, I'm not that influential. I mean, I'm not Erinn Miller

So then I thought I could something thought provoking or inspirational. Something to get people thinking. Like judging books by their covers, analyzing politics, proof that God exists or doesn't, the similarities between Costco and Disneyland. You know, stuff that will make you smarter. But I decided against that too.

So then I decided. Who cares. It's the 100th post of a mediocre drop-in-the-bucket blog among millions of blogs. So that's it. The end. Happy 100th post!

Here's some inspirational thoughts for you. I'll play myself out. 

Sunday, July 28, 2013

It might get a little serious

Hey everyone! I know I have been on a hiatus for about 3 months and I just want to say to my most devoted readers (all 3 of them) that I'm sorry I have been slacking. No promises things will get more consistent. Just enjoy them when they make it up here. 

Today's topic is something I have thought about a lot. For a long time. It's something that occupies a good amount of my thoughts, and I'm sure a lot of others thoughts. The topic? Girls. 

Gotcha. C'mon, seriousness isn't my style.

Now, before all the girl readers stop reading, this post may prove invaluable to you. So keep reading. 

Girls are SO awesome. I love them. I love looking at them. I love talking to them, dating them, cuddling with them, (see post) kissing them, etc. Girls are at least 50% of my motivation to do just about anything. 

Recently, I was talking with some buddies about girls, and one friend came up with the perfect classification to fits just about every type of girl you could imagine. I thought it was so good, I figured I needed to share with the world. 

First type- the "bring-home-to-mom" girls: everyone has different preferences with the ladies. Some like them tall, some like them short, others big, others little, smart/dumb, loud/quiet; but they all have a type they would happily take home to mom. These are the ladies you could see yourself spending more than 2 days a week with. Those that you know wouldn't say something uncomfortable to Grandma, but will still tell your brother he is a wuss. Ladies, this is what we eventually date/marry/wait-for-to-come-home-from-missions.

Second type- These are girls you would hot tub with. Now, obviously the first type you would also hot tub with, however, this group are those you would hot tub but NOT bring home to mom. These girls are crazy, in a good way. They will have fun, the guy is attracted to them, but they might be a little too wild to bring home to the family. Maybe the girl says stuff that makes you know it wouldn't work, but the girl is still physically attractive enough to want to enjoy a little eye candy/action in the hot tub. This is the natural type most men put girls in for the majority of their single lives. So ladies, if you feel like this is the zone you live in with most guys, no worries, we guys are...well, guys. 

Final Type- nothin to do with. This is a zone the girls don't want to be in. This usually means that you are so obnoxious, rude, dramatic, etc that there is no way a guy is dealing with you, at all. Your crappy qualities outweigh the good ones. Not a whole lot of explanation here. If you feel like this happens to you more often than not...change something.

So there you go. Guys, feel free to use this when describing girls to your friends, and Ladies, use this as a measuring stick. Who knows, that guy that you like might be in hot tub zone and all you have to do is show him you can totally hang with his family. You're welcome. 

Thursday, May 9, 2013

"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."

Quote by the late comedian Henny Youngman.
I don't consider myself a golfer. Not like Drew Killpack or Taylor Schone. But as the weather has warmed up, I have been on the links a lot. Golf is a great, horrible, awesomely fun, crappy game. Point is, unless you are really consistently good, golf will be fun and sucky within the same 9 holes. Here is how to survive 9 holes of golf. (Or 18, or 36, or whatever you want.) So all of my readers that are professional golfers, this post doesn't really apply to you. (Sorry Tiger)

Hole 1- "Breakfast ball." First hole is a warm up. Your first tee shot might suck. Get over it. Here is what you do: take 2 balls to the first tee. Then when you duff the ball, you get another try.

Hole 2- Now you've got out the jitters, don't think about last hole, and just play. Remember the most important rule of amateur golf: you are not good at golf. If you double bogey the hole, you did a great job. Nice tee shot! And your approach shot was only 30 yards wide right!

Hole 3- You've just sliced your ball 2 fairways over. Don't worry, that double bogey on the last hole was pretty good! This was just a bad shot, you'll be fine. Now grab your 3 iron and cross your fingers you can find your ball!

demotivational poster GOLFHole 4- Another bad tee shot. So that is 3 out of 4. This is where you need to eat that packet of welch's fruit snacks and remember that life is gooooooood. You are only experiencing first world problems. Breathe. Breathe. And we're back with a great (semi-lucky) second shot. See you on the green.

Hole 5- Nice tee shot. Only the second cut! You almost hit your first fairway of the day! And only a 2 put on the green? This is shaping into a great hole. Nice par.

Take a little break."When pros tell you to keep your head down, it's so you can't see them laughing." -Phyllis Diller

Hole 6- And we're back. Before the tee shot, remember that this hole is different than the last. No reason to think you will par again. And you didn't. This is your signature 8 stoke on a par 3. If you forgot to remember that this hole is different, and you are ready to break you putter after a 5 put. Don't. Golf clubs are no match for Mother Nature, her trees, ground, or rocks. Nature will always win. Don't bet against nature. Her track record is impeccable.

Hole 7- Now that you are missing your sand wedge (you gently placed it in the lake after it fell out of your hands into the nearest tree) you are back to normal temperament. Remember to keep your head still and just have fun with it. You are already shooting way over par, with no hope, or expectation that somehow your game will improve from last Saturday. The last time you hit a golf ball.

Hole 8- You've caught up to the outrageously slow group playing ahead of you. You might be tempted to tell them to hurry, but don't. Instead, you should have already watched every golf movie prior to this day and you will now quote all the funny parts of them with your buddies. Or you can always bash on the incumbent political figures and talk about how much better you could do than them. Golf games are great for that stuff.

Hole 9- You've made it to the last hole! Not so bad right? An easy, straight par 4 to finish the course? You've shared a few good laughs with your friends, lost about 9 balls, "lost" the scorecard, and now you are about to have lunch. All you have to do is make solid contact, get to the green, and 3-putt your way home.

Now that wasn't so bad was it? See you next Saturday fellas!