Wednesday, March 16, 2011


If you are ever in the third floor of the library around noon, you probably have seen me tutoring people. I'm not doing it out of the kindness of my heart, I get paid by SUU to do it and I have one student right now who may in fact be retarded.

Now I tutored this person last semester, and she was still just as retarded. At the end of the semester I thought I was home free, no luck. She specifically requested me to tutor her again this semester. My only question was...why? Why was I the unlucky one and how could I get out of this? I started thinking of excuses, I'm going to be in the hospital on the days she needed tutoring? I was getting married? I'm allergic to idiots? Nothing seemed believable. Now before I continue I just need to paint a picture of this person: She is a dance major, is maybe a 5 out of 10 on the hotness scale, (but thinks she's like a 12) and always tries to find out if I'm dating someone or not. All I ever wanna say is "Really? Do you honestly think I want to share all of my personal life with someone I see for 3 hours a week?"

This person, (we will call her lisa) has an IQ of somewhere between a house plant and a rock. Lisa is figuring out ratios right now. For example: "if I pay 6 dollars for 12 muffins, how much does each muffin cost?" This is a direct quote from their book so you can see how retarded this math is to begin with. How she made it past high school with this incompetency in math will forever be a mystery. Now Lisa could not figure out how much each muffin cost. So I tried to simplify it, the following conversation ensued:

Me: "if you pay 6 dollars for 6 muffins, how much does each muffin cost?"
Lisa: "1 dollar each."
Me: Good, now try the original problem
Lisa: What original problem?
Me: The one in your book
Lisa: Which one?
Me: (pointing to the problem) the one you JUST read
Lisa: Oh, I thought you were talking about something else.
Me: That's ok, just try to figure it out just like before.
Lisa: But it's hard, and I don't like story problems, could you just do it for me? (in the girly, try to get someone to do something for you voice)
Me: Not a chance.
Lisa: Ok, 6 dollars...12 muffins...2 dollars a muffin?
Me: close, but no, you have your method backwards
Lisa: Ok (smiling) 6 dollars...12 muffins...4 dollars a muffin?

To cut the story short...she couldn't get it. So I tried explaining it another way. Still couldn't get it. Now if you are familiar with the 3rd floor you know that people can hear you from any part of the floor if you talk in a normal voice. Well people were starting to snicker, I was starting to get frustrated, and Lisa thought this was the funniest thing ever. I ended up just skipping the problem, told her to ask her teacher and packed up my things.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy helping people, but just as a final way to show you my extreme distaste in tutoring this girl...I would rather listen to Lady Gaga's "Alejandro" for 24 straight hours or hang out with this guy in the woods for a week than tutor this girl.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

What? You haven't heard?

The other night I was at the SUU girls gymnastics meet. Now if you have ever been to their meets before, they have a tradition during transitioning from beam to floor exercise to shout..."SOUTHERN" in hopes the crowd shouts back "UTAH." (repeat 3 times) Now not that I'm against organized cheers, but this one I hate. For one reason. The shrill, obnoxious, high-pitch sound the emanates from those girls makes me cringe, gag, and want to throw something heavy, sticky, or slimy at them. I hate this sound. Now everyone has a sound that makes them less happy, or in Dane Cook's case, it makes him wanna punch a baby. So now you know, you're not alone, everyone has a sound that they hate. Let's hear yours...regular can a baccer says you...? No says I.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I'd love to but...

When was the last time you saw a girl that you haven't run into for a while, and she asks "how come we never hang out?" or "Why haven't I seen you lately?" And you are thinking in the back of your mind "maybe I should humor her cuz she is sort of cute and I still haven't hooked up with her yet.." Well then you just say something stupid or agree with her that you should get together this weekend. No big deal right? Until the weekend when your buddies are all hanging out and each one has a girl. Then next thing you know you are hitting her up to see if she can hang. Wrong. You get a text back that let's you know it's a "girls night"...

Now correct me if I'm wrong ladies, but my understanding is a girls night happens when a bunch of friends just want to hang out with each other and be counter productive. Like talking about hair, clothes, nails, boys (which ones they like, which ones they don't) and other girly crap. Let's be real. Why does this "night" exist? Most girls I know complain that they don't get asked out on dates enough, then when they do, they are having a girls night.

Now as a man, basically we rule the world. Men are just more awesome. If you don't believe me, just ask Tosh.O So now men, my question is, can we abolish or outlaw "girls night?" or should we just make our own night, guys night would be the most obvious choice for a name, but maybe something more awesome. If you have any suggestions post them in the comment section. Then girls can see how retarded it is to not hang with the opposite sex. But our nights will be much better. Midnight basketball, colorado-ing, all-night jam sessions on rock band, and the list goes on... And remember, don't go ninj'in nobody that don't need ninj'in