"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."

Quote by the late comedian Henny Youngman.

I don't consider myself a golfer. Not like Drew Killpack or Taylor Schone. But as the weather has warmed up, I have been on the links a lot. Golf is a great, horrible, awesomely fun, crappy game. Point is, unless you are really consistently good, golf will be fun and sucky within the same 9 holes. Here is how to survive 9 holes of golf. (Or 18, or 36, or whatever you want.) So all of my readers that are professional golfers, this post doesn't really apply to you. (Sorry Tiger)

Hole 1- "Breakfast ball." First hole is a warm up. Your first tee shot might suck. Get over it. Here is what you do: take 2 balls to the first tee. Then when you duff the ball, you get another try.

Hole 2- Now you've got out the jitters, don't think about last hole, and just play. Remember the most important rule of amateur golf: you are not good at golf. If you double bogey the hole, you did a great job. Nice tee shot! And your approach shot was only 30 yards wide right!

Hole 3- You've just sliced your ball 2 fairways over. Don't worry, that double bogey on the last hole was pretty good! This was just a bad shot, you'll be fine. Now grab your 3 iron and cross your fingers you can find your ball!

Hole 4- Another bad tee shot. So that is 3 out of 4. This is where you need to eat that packet of welch's fruit snacks and remember that life is gooooooood. You are only experiencing first world problems. Breathe. Breathe. And we're back with a great (semi-lucky) second shot. See you on the green.

Hole 5- Nice tee shot. Only the second cut! You almost hit your first fairway of the day! And only a 2 put on the green? This is shaping into a great hole. Nice par.

Take a little break."When pros tell you to keep your head down, it's so you can't see them laughing." -Phyllis Diller

Hole 6- And we're back. Before the tee shot, remember that this hole is different than the last. No reason to think you will par again. And you didn't. This is your signature 8 stoke on a par 3. If you forgot to remember that this hole is different, and you are ready to break you putter after a 5 put. Don't. Golf clubs are no match for Mother Nature, her trees, ground, or rocks. Nature will always win. Don't bet against nature. Her track record is impeccable.

Hole 7- Now that you are missing your sand wedge (you gently placed it in the lake after it fell out of your hands into the nearest tree) you are back to normal temperament. Remember to keep your head still and just have fun with it. You are already shooting way over par, with no hope, or expectation that somehow your game will improve from last Saturday. The last time you hit a golf ball.

Hole 8- You've caught up to the outrageously slow group playing ahead of you. You might be tempted to tell them to hurry, but don't. Instead, you should have already watched every golf movie prior to this day and you will now quote all the funny parts of them with your buddies. Or you can always bash on the incumbent political figures and talk about how much better you could do than them. Golf games are great for that stuff.

Hole 9- You've made it to the last hole! Not so bad right? An easy, straight par 4 to finish the course? You've shared a few good laughs with your friends, lost about 9 balls, "lost" the scorecard, and now you are about to have lunch. All you have to do is make solid contact, get to the green, and 3-putt your way home.

Now that wasn't so bad was it? See you next Saturday fellas!