Tuesday, May 1, 2012

operation phaseout

It's the end of the semester. You have been hanging out with a young lady for most of the last few weeks. All of the sudden you've realized summer is here and you are ready for some new summer lovin'! A few of my friends are in this position. They're ready for summer and all the crazy stories that come with it.

The phaseout. Does it work? How do I phaseout? Is she gonna delete me as a friend on facebook? These are all valid questions. *Disclaimer* I am not abdicating this behavior. I just think it's funny to watch each party's behavior as the phaseout matures.

First off, does it work? You betcha. Unless the person is seriously delusional, then it might require some stern talking to. Here are the logistics...You've been talking to her frequently (usually at least daily). Thru text, email, chat, phone, etc., conversation has been happening. You are ready for the phaseout.

Step 1: Delayed response. She can't freak out or get mad if you just start delaying your responses. For example, if you normally text back immediately after getting a text, wait a half hour before you respond. Then an hour. Then a few hours. Pretty soon lines of communication will be limited/damaged. That's the first step. Limit communication.

Step 2: Limit availability. Start having all of these scheduled activities with friends, relatives, teachers, the janitor, it doesn't matter. Someone that it's going to be easy to point to. Things that sound official work better. Like an award ceremony for a club and only club members are invited. That way it's non-negotiable. The less you see her, the easier it will be for her to forget about you.

Step 3: Become a ghost who lost his cell phone, broke his computer, and all of his friends died. Be completely unavailable. This is an in-case-she-hasn't-figured-it-out-yet step. Usually step 1 and 2 do the trick. But this is your safety net. Pretend you never get on facebook, check your email, or have a social life at all. Like I said earlier. If she doesn't get it by this step, maybe talk to her, or get a restraining order.

In conclusion, absolutely this works. If you haven't realized this yet, the phaseout actually requires a little bit of work. So if you are a hard worker, you're golden. If you want to avoid awkwardness, this is your safest bet. If you'd rather treat it like a band-aid and just "grip it and rip it" then go talk to her. She'll probably understand. But for those of you doing the phaseout, I thank you. You've given me another means of entertainment. Happy summer everyone!

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