1. Get going early, or someone else is going to take your spot. Find a nice patch of grass and stay there. The Johnson's down the road will be showing up any minute.
2. Never play the game after dinner. Nobody wants to play football after Thanksgiving. Nobody wants to wear pants after Thanksgiving.
3. The following things are prohibited from Thanksgiving touch football: eye black, Mark Sanchez jerseys, tight jeans, cheerleaders. If you are at the field, you are on the team.
4. A Nerf ball is okay but you should own a leather football. A leather football is one of the things every home must have, like a dishwasher and a 49ers tribute wall. No footballs with wings, propellers, streamers or whistlers. That’s just dumb.
5. It's two-hand touch or flags. Unless you don’t have a good relationship with your family. Then it’s tackle.
6. No taunting, cursing or back-handed compliments. That's what Thanksgiving dinner is for.
7. Any out of town visitors that trip/fall and end up with a face full of mud is nothing to worry about. This is the highlight of dinner conversation.
8. It's okay to play with kids but don't baby them. Just because your 12-year-old nephew is about to score doesn’t mean you can’t tackle him. He’s got to learn how to take a hit sometime!
9. The count is five "Alligator." 4 syllables. Don’t use Mississippi. Or it will turn into a rushed "MISS-IPPI"
10. If you find yourself feeling the urge to do any Tebow-ing, Kaepernick-ing or Superman-ing, or any other “-ing” STOP. You don’t need it, and neither does anyone else.
11. No show-off football lingo. No screaming "red-7" or "hot route" You stopped playing in high school, and are a has-been. Don’t pretend you’re not. Not even the other team knows what you’re talking about.
12. There's always one guy who wants to draw out trick plays. Just let him talk, and then forget it immediately. Rule of thumb: Go Deep.
13. Don’t do the triple reverse running play. It never works.
14. No holding, pass interference or other stupid penalties. A little holding never hurt anyone. Don't be a wimp.
15. If you throw five interceptions in a row, you might be using the wrong hand, or you’ve been watching too many Giants football games.
16. Punting is not okay. It just isn’t. Pretend this is Madden.
17. Snow is nothing to be scared of. If anything, it enhances the fun. Again, don’t be a wimp.
18. No matter how good you think you are, you need to remember, Thanksgiving is about eating turkey, NOT scoring the winning touchdown. If you have to spend your Thanksgiving in the ER, you’re doing it wrong. Take it easy.