I'm only a man. no lotion.

Yep. It's time for the house quotes part 2. If you haven't read the last one. Do it. Do it now. Here's the link. You didn't click? Ok. Don't worry about going back. here it is for you again. Now that you read it you know that I have some of the funniest friends around. Last post was mostly roommates. This installment of funny quotes from my friends extends to anybody in my crew that makes me laugh on a regular basis. So let's just dive right into it. (Oh and the title? That was Brent.)

The chairman? (talking about the adjustment bureau) Yea, he lives in the walls. (Joe West)

Fat people shouldn't get handicap parking passes. They should get treadmills. Anonymous

Here's the thing. She's nice and she's sweet, but I still think she'd do the weird stuff. (Kevin Higbee)

He's about to get the meat sweats and it's all downhill from there. (Shmee talking about Bryson)

Brian: I don't know if I would've even enjoyed it.
Steve: Dude. It's kissing a girl.

Sorry to razz your tazz. (Shmee)

The best way to rock skinny jeans is with little family jewels. (Taylor Schone)

Next time you try to boss me around...you better mean it. (Colby Johnson)

Ya now she works are KFC. But you know she gets free chicken and that chicken is gooooood. (Lonnie Horlacher)

I prefer being touched by strangers. (Shmee)

Tyler: Oh dang, those are salty!
David Hyde: Yea. That's why I hate Asians.

If you got to punch someone in the chode to win. Do it. (A-Train)

So there you go. I'm sure there's a few that I've missed. But that's the best part. Next time I'll get those one's in there. 

you almost made it

I saw Brian Regan a few weeks ago and he had this joke. Why does it always happen in movies that someone has something really important to say only after they are dying. Like Albert Einstein. What if all he got out was e = MC?! I know I would've finished his sentence with "Hammer." And that could very well have changed the course of history. It's a pretty funny thing to think about. So I came up with a few important things that if they were never said, would change the course of the world.

What would today be like if we never heard the famous "Never give up, Never surrender!" So beautifully quoted in Galaxy Quest. What if Tim Allen was killed at "Never give..." To charity?! Yourself a wedgie?! a dog a bone?! We would never know! We would all be like France! Check this out if you don't know what I'm talking about.

How about the famous "4 score and 7 years ago." What if ol Abe got shot after saying "4 Score and 7..." Swans a swimming?! We'd never know. We would've just thought Abe was really into Christmas. Thank goodness John Wilkes Booth didn't pull the trigger then!

Or maybe "All men are created equal." What if all they got out was "All men are..." Awesome?! Brothers? Liars? We would've never known they were created equal. We'd still think that all Steve's were superior beings. Which wouldn't be that terrible.

All I'm saying is if you have something important to say, you better not wait to say it. You might die. So if you make an important discovery, cause a revolution, or realize that I'm awesome. Go ahead and say it. It's not worth changing the course of history by keeping quiet.

it happened when i was a kid

A friend of mine told me this story the other day and I had to share. Don't worry, she said it's ok.

"One time I was gonna run a race but then the kid in front of me turned around and called me 'messy face' and so I cried and didn't run the race. And the worst part was, my face wasn't even messy!" This was out of the blue, so random, and hilarious. I guess you shouldn't call her messy face. Might ruin her week. 
We're all grown up. Yet every single one of us has done something, or reacted to a situation because of a childhood experience. And not just any experience, a childhood "trauma."

You've heard them from your friends. Here's a couple of my favorites.

When I was in the 4th grade, I had a favorite pair of shorts. They were these blue cotton shorts, with the elastic waistband. I loved em. I definitely knew I could run faster at recess wearing those than in my dumb jean shorts. As soon as mom did some wash, those puppies were on and I was off to the races. One day, at recess, this girl that bothered me sooooooo much, pants-ed me. I was wearing those shorts. Not only did she get the shorts off, but my ninja turtle underwear as well. I've never pulled my pants up so fast. Well the next day, just to be careful, I wore overall's to school. No way that sucker was gonna get me again! Guess what I wore everyday for the rest school year. Yep. Overalls.

Next, I was in 6th grade. I wrote a love note to a girl. The teacher intercepted it. Crap. Read it out loud. Double Crap. I couldn't believe it. She was my first "girlfriend." The note was saying that I thought she was pretty and I wanted to go play with her after school that day. Wanna know who my second girlfriend was?...I'll tell you when I get one. haha.

We've all had that moment when you were so embarrassed because your little brother beat you across the monkey bars, or that time when your dad spanked you in front of your best friend. Or maybe it was when  you were too cool to get a kiss from mom anymore and she did it at your birthday party...in front of EVERYONE! 

The best part about these are now, we get to tell the stories. And they are definitely get way better and more elaborate with time. Next time I tell the story about my shorts, it will probably include someone making a poster of me naked and putting it up around school. So enjoy your 'traumas' and keep telling them. By the end you'll be going uphill both ways in the snow in every story you tell anyways.